Untitled
by Veronica Lacroix
Summary: Buffy's reflection on losing all she ever wanted. Oneshot. Potential to become series if reviewed well.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they are the property of Joss Whedon. However, I do own the plot. Whoo-hoo.

Author's Note: This is written in Buffy's point of view. The "He" that is mentioned is Angel. The italicized lines are phrases from Buffy's memory (and will be placed in the series story). So enjoy and _please_, review!

If someone said they could give you everything you've ever dreamed of, would you take it? If someone said all you had to do was sign on the dotted line, would you pick up the pen? If you're like me, you would. Without a second thought, you'd transfer your destiny in a heartbeat. Without a blink in the direction of the price. And what was the price? Simple. Losing it all as swiftly as you received it.

They say that there's a special place in hell for those who betray. So there must be a special place for me. For not only did I betray the ones I loved most in all the world, I did it twice. Once in foolishness, and once in cowardice.

_He said, "No, it doesn't matter. We're safe now. We'll just keep fighting. It's all we can do."_

_And I said, "Fight for how long? Forever? No, we can't. It's too much, we'll never make it. This is what we have to do."_

I remember every year, every day, every moment. They're locked inside my head like a steel trap, always reminding me of what was and what could've been. Cursing me for giving it up, damning me for taking it in the first place. I still toss and turn from the nightmares, and I still wake up looking for that special comfort he used to give. But he's not here anymore and maybe that's what hurts the worst.

_He used to say, "C'mere, shh. It's all right. I'm here."_

_And I'd say, "I know. And you'll always be here, right?"_

Now I feel alienated. This body isn't mine, these thoughts aren't mine, this whole life isn't mine. My life began and ended with them; they were my everything. I go through the motions because it's necessary, because I have to, because if I don't...it's over. Sometimes I dream that it is over, and I'm trapped in the hell of my making, then he comes and saves me, like a fairy tale. He sweeps me up and promises me forever. But in this fairy tale, I'm not the princess waiting for her knight. I'm the wicked witch who took over the princess's body.

_He said, "She's beautiful. So tiny. She has your hands."_

_I said, "She's all yours, too. And she's an angel, just like you."_

Would I have been better off if I never accepted such a gift? If I had just let him slip away from me once and for all? Hadn't he let go of me? No. On my better days, I think it was worth it. I had a few years of true happiness, despite now I must face the rest of life without it. We had a life together, anything we needed was ours. And all we needed was each other.

_He cried, "Please! Please...I won't leave you, never. You mean everything to me, don't you see? I love you. I love you."_

_And I cried, "I have to, I have to. I'm so sorry. God, I love you so much. I-I'm sorry."_

He clung to me as tightly as I clung to him. We watched everything we created vanish before our eyes. When it was all over, I could do nothing but leave. Our hearts were torn apart and our dreams stamped out. I think now I needed him much more than he needed me. I knew he would be able to get up and go on; he was stronger than I was. I never knew that it could hurt me so badly to push everything I loved away, so far away. I didn't know how it could kill me to lose it all.

_I said, "So what does this mean really? Do you know?"_

_And he said, "We belong to each other now. We're tied at the heart, in the soul."_

What hurts the worst is knowing I can't take it back. Knowing that in the world's eyes, it never even _happened_. There's a special place in hell for me, I know this. Eternal sufffering, torture, I will take it all. I will, if that means that there can be a special place for him somewhere else. Somewhere that can heal his heart, his soul.

If someone said they could give you everything you've ever dreamed of, would you take it? Always ask the price. It may be more than you pay.


End file.
